Do you let yourself be happy? Do you let yourself not worry? I've been soul-searching this week to find balance and I've had a lesson in Yin Yang from a friend who is a Buddhist Monk in South Korea. I'm still learning a bit in it, but basically, I'm learning that in the thought world, we have positive and negative thoughts and if one is too over-powering, then you look for the seed and it will put it back into perspective. So, I'm looking at the seed within some negative thought patterns that I'm struggling with - Selfishness.
I call myself the wife and manager of Brass Hammer Designs. What does that mean? To Josh, it meant something different than it did to me. In my mind, it meant jointly handling social media, marketing and blogging and I'd be keeping the books and making sure that I was helping out with organizing behind the scenes. To Josh, it meant that I would help with purchasing equipment, supplies and actually help with finishing the artwork and perhaps making pieces myself.
Let's be clear. I do not feel that I am nearly as talented as Josh on any of this and I don't even want to pretend that I am. I can paint, but I need a very sure image of what I am painting. It's taken me a long time to recognize this. Images and forms do not just appear in my head like they do in Josh's head. I need the outline and something to start from.
So, what's the problem? Well, as you are probably aware, in most marriages and relationships, when there is a difference in expectation and performance, there will be conflict. We've had a few of those recently. And usually lack of time is the source of it. Specifically, the lack of my time is the source of it, but we both have not been putting our efforts 100% towards making BHD successful. In my mind, I start feeling like I let Josh down by not doing what he wants me to do and that converts into feeling like I'm ALWAYS letting him down. That's where the yin yang came in and hopefully will help me in the future keep my thoughts in check. Though I feel I'm letting him down, there's always a part of me that is making his day that I spend a moment with him thinking about him. I need to remember that when I'm guilting myself with the other thoughts. I tend to completely lose myself in the negative thoughts and it interferes with every part of my relationship and life......
It makes me think about the two bowls that Josh made from the same log. We called them yin yang and I never realized how much they symbolized. They are treated completely differently - stressed in different ways, stained using completely different techniques. One is very rough surfaced while the other one has a smoother surface. But they are still from the same log. They are still from the same DNA, the same making, the same being.... Josh and I are too.
So, of course, we're re-evaluating. Well, I AM re-evaluating. What I've told Josh I would do is not what he thought I'd do and because of that, I need to determine the boundaries of what I can and cannot do. As a husband-wife team, there are often assumptions and no clear job descriptions, so this is a learning curve. That is all. A minor one at that.
"I like the art of the craft rather than get the acceptance and applause of strangers."
That, my friends, is the difference of an artist and a person who loves what they are doing....
Just being real....
Until Next Time.... Jen Crandall, Wife/Manager
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