Three of the most important things that I think a person can have is
gratitude for life, honesty (truth to self) and compassion. I think these are the foundation for contentment, which is a little different than happiness. The more
honest you are with not just other people, but with yourself, it seems the more content you are in life overall. And I
think that the honesty helps you have compassion for other people because you realize they are coming from somewhere similar to you coming from somewhere. That compassion helps feed the gratitude that you have for yourself.
Content people seem to hold the secret to life. Take this Korean monk
for instance. There's something content in the way his cheeks are
resting on his face while he looks over the side of the hill. He had a look in his eyes like few people that I have seen in my life - like he knew the secret of life. I stared at him for an entire bus ride wondering if he
might be able to reveal them to me. I think that my journey of searching
for happiness and contentment started at the point I saw him.... While I
worked through my "truths" of contentment, I felt that he probably had
those 3 fundamentals down pat. MY equation to happiness = Gratitude + TRUTH + (Compassion * [Acceptance + Boundaries])
So I want to dive into truth a minute. What is it exactly and what do I specifically mean about honesty? Wikipedia defines Truth as being "most often used to mean in accord with fact or reality, or fidelity to an original or to a standard or ideal." This is how I always felt about it in the past. However, in the past 4 years, I've come to a new understanding that Gustave Flaubert's statement of "There is no truth. There is only perception." is 100% true (for me).
Truth is in everything we encounter. It's the white elephant in the room that everyone is avoiding. It's the hurt feeling you had when someone said something which sometimes leads to the dishonesty when you didn't call them out on it right away. That's not being truthful. For example, just the other day, I encountered a truth in someone's facial expression when I told her something that I was excited about and felt she would be too. That facial expression shocked me and I didn't ask her why she made the face, but instead I ignored it. And my ignoring it troubled me because now I don't really know what she was thinking. I have been filling in those gaps with my own answers that may or may not be what she was thinking. I should've asked right away. She may not even know that she physically reacted to my statement and that I've seen her blatantly do this before. That's a very minor example, but it explains my point well. I want to be more bold and more honest with observations in the moment....
I am finding that truth is all based off perception and references a person has in life from the influences of their friends, family, religious teachings and education. Just like them, my truth is made up of my history and the foundations of my religious, spiritual, book smarts and experiences with my family, authority figures and friends that have influenced me since birth. As an adult, it took me a long time to understand that not everyone has the same truth as me. Chris McCombs talks about his recognition of truth as well in one of his recent blog posts (http://chrismccombs.net/truth/): "It’s been something I’ve really had to grow through, and it’s been a rocky and challenging road filled with all sorts of peaks, valleys and trials… a road that never ends I think, at least not until we die. Now, what I’ve learned from all this, that no book could have taught me, even though different versions of this same truth are contained in COUNTLESS books and teachings around the world… Is that your level of freedom is in direct proportion to your level of TRUTH. More truth, more freedom. Less truth, less freedom." He's touching on things that most people are too afraid to face. Based on what I've learned and what he is saying, this means that every person has had all of their own histories behind their motives and reactions to life. I believe that most people are good people and that oftentimes if they seem not to be, they really are operating from all of the pain and hurt they've felt through the years. This is why I have compassion in my heart for nearly everyone, but it comes with a price if I'm not careful. I tend to throw away boundaries in the name of compassion. I also give people too many chances because of the lack of those boundaries and compassionately hope that they will change or stop their pain-inflicting behaviors. Those boundaries have hurt me in the long run and developed a truth for me: I need boundaries. I sometimes worry that these boundaries can be perceived as the lack of compassion, but trust me, I have more compassion than I know what to do with. I just have to define those boundaries in advance to prevent myself for letting people in so deep that they hurt me. I have to create some structures around visits with some friends and even some family. (Josh really helped put it in perspective for me once when I told him that when things blow up, it catches me off guard. He asked me if I prep for meetings and have a plan if things might go a different direction. Of course I do! That's because I'm professional and then it clicked.... I need that with these situations just as much. That pushed me to know how important it was to have a plan with the people in my life that stress me out. So I have boundaries that include exit strategies and protection for my emotions. It's helpful to have these things). Also, I categorize my Facebook friends to prevent some friends from seeing private parts of my life that I don't think is relevant to our relationships and I over-think those boundaries to make sure that I don't have to talk to them about it. It's not that I want to "hide" from those truths, but I have a strong desire to NOT have to explain myself to everyone. If I don't set those boundaries and categories, I feel like I owe everyone the explanation to show them why I am the way I am. It's like I have to justify who I am. I keep forgetting that I don't have to do that because it's MY LIFE.... Do you see the codependent cycle that I have? That's really my truth and maybe you've figured it out by now if you've heard the term. I'm what I like to call a "recovering codependent".
MY equation to happiness = Gratitude + TRUTH + (Compassion * [Acceptance + Boundaries])
Now truth is only one portion of the calculation, but I think it is directly related to compassion and hopefully gratitude is pretty self-explanatory. Then there's boundaries, which are also related to truths in the fact that you have to understand your truths to understand what boundaries you need.... So that leads us to one other part of the equation: Acceptance. Control what you can control and accept things that you cannot change. That's straight off the serenity prayer. I can't control everything. I want to control it all, but I can't. I can't control the reactions of people and just ask Josh, I certainly cannot mind-read. I think I know how someone is going to react, but until I test them by stating the truth or whatever is scaring me to tell them, I won't know. And guess what? You can't either. None of us have control of other people. Period. So, accept it that this is what it is. Accepting that people may not always want to change. Accept that people may not like that I have boundaries.Accept that people may not know they need to change in order to accommodate your feelings and that they may not care if they do. Really, whatever is going on with them is none of your business anyway. It's their choice. All you can do is be honest with yourself and control your reactions and actions. I struggle most with accepting people where they are and for who they are. I analyze why they are the way that they are instead of just saying, this is how they are and moving on. I want to give them a reason for being the way they are. An extreme example of this is based on the mental disorders that the people had that have recently fired shots and killed so many innocent children in our schools for no reason. My first thought wasn't anger towards them. It was compassion of why are they the way they are and how can we help others not be this way and not act out this way. I wanted to understand them more. I didn't want to just accept that they have a mental disorder that needs treated, but I wanted to dive into what created the mental disorder in the first place. That might be the scientist in me, but I also like to think it's that compassion I described above. And then we go into the boundaries issue again.... Again, accept that this is what they are at this moment. That doesn't mean that I have to give up hope on them for good, but that's what I feel society is screaming. Yes, that was a very extreme and political example, but that's where my heart is. So, there's a definite balance of acceptance vs. compassion.
I'll leave you with a few thoughts:
Are you facing your own truths? Are you recognizing that those might be different from the truths of others? And even though truth hurts, being honest with yourself and those around you is much more important
"If you quit letting your butt hurt, you'd probably have a lot more fun." - Josh recently said this to me when I was over-analyzing other people's feelings and reactions. By me concentrating on what everyone was thinking, I stopped living in the present and instead worried about the present.... Do you do this?
"The most important warning we can receive in life: Protect yourself from your own thoughts." - Rumi
What is Happiness?
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.” - Gustave Flaubert
Until Next Time.... Jen Crandall, Wife/Manager
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